Brokenhearted or Heartbreaker?

Heartbreaker.

That's the ego. But in reality, it's not.

Heart break is painful. Physically, emotionally, and sometimes even spiritually painful. I’ve felt heart break. I know the agony, I know the pain but what’s even more painful is finding yourself in the role of heartbreaker.

Unfortunately, in most of my relationships I have been the heartbreaker. Believe it or not. I know it s#cks. Pathetic. But it is just not black and white. Sure, it wicked s#cks getting dumped, but having to do the break up? It’s a whole different kind of pain, and by no means easier.

When you’re the person getting your heart broken at least you have a source of outlet for your pain. You can curse your ex up and down for making you feel so bad. You can trash talk them to your friends, you can write nasty letters you’ll never send, you can even blog your heartaches so that the whole world will know and get sympathy from your readers. And yes, you can wallow in self-pity with an adequate reason.

You can’t do that when you’re the heartbreaker.

This is the other side of the story.

When you’re the heartbreaker you get to feel shitty, and deal with your heartbroken ex-love. You get to play the villain in story of your ex’s life. You get to be ignored or chewed out by the once-mutual friends who have teamed up with your ex. You lose a whole part of your life, and are not allowed to mourn for it. And that s#cks. Never have I ever broken up with someone and felt completely fine about it. It always f#cking hurts.

Remember, at one point your heartbreaker truly loved you, and in my case I usually put off doing the actual dumping for as long as possible because I hate the idea of having to hurt someone I care about. How do you tell someone, I love you, I really do, but I just don’t want to be with you. How do you persuade them that they are amazing, and perfect in so many ways, but there’s just something not quite right anymore. How do you deal with the tears and the promises, the anger of a jilter lover, the regretful compliance of a true love, the loss of a friend….all at the same time.

You don’t. At least not well. Not in a way that makes it easy.

I’ve been the heartbreaker.

No reasons to be proud.

It’s not cute or coy or a compliment. It’s an awful role to have to play. And I always end up cast in it.

*sigh*

5 months ago I broke two hearts.






"X" and my own.








PS: I'll be gone for a while, I'm flying to L.A tomorrow. May bibisitahin lang si Coldman.